Monday, April 8, 2013

Artful Dodger's Big Fat Rasslemaniuh Review

By A. Dodger, Esquire

   You know, deep from the bowels of the earth where my home is located, I can already hear the whines and moans of the people not happy with how the big shindig went.

   And to them I wanna say..... Oh...... Don't care. Because I'm the one writing this, my opinions the one that matters.  In fact fuck opinions, these are Factpinions, and and you're about to get some all up in ya.

Here I'll present 13 points about WM.  Why 13?  'Cause I make my own goddamn luck. And also I suffer from a rare genetic disorder where I was born with that many fingers and toes.

13.  Fuck Canada

12. We Want The Funk:  I was promised Tons of Funk vs Rhodes Scholars and two genetic mistakes.  O but I guess Diddy was so much more important. Well, guess what? He uh.... He probably was.... I mean in general more people know who Diddy is.... And without him there would have been like 1 or 2 black guys on the entire show. What I guess I'm getting at is I'm not happy, but hell, I rarely am.

11. Actually 3 there were 3 black guys: Forgot Cousin Carlton on roids tagged with Ziggler, so... Yay diversity? I guess...

10.  Letting the A's Breathe:   I know everyone thought I was crazy for picking up on this gimmick, but hell. It's entertaining, and the match wasn't bad.  Fandango's a bit green and working with Jericho will help that.  His gimmick of a dancer getting shitwhipped for most the match makes sense.... How many dancers do you know that are good at fighting?  For me it's one, and it was Patrick Swayze and he's dead, so why be a jerk like that and bring him up? You know you're a real asshole sometimes.

9.  Intercontinentally Awesome: I'll give Miz some Dap for pulling out that Figure 4 the way he did. I've got a soft spot in my heart for that hold, and ever since I was a kid beating up other homeless kids in the streets of Tokyo I've used it.

                              Me, after another hard fought victory... I was 6, and that's a full couch

8. Feed Me Mo- Nope, I'm Full: I hope tonight is the end of the Ryback experiment.  If I want a bad ass named Ryback beating people till they piss out of their ears, I'll put in my DVD copy of Under Siege and enjoy some quality time with Casey Ryback played by the incomparable Steven Segal.

9.  Jesus, 13 points, who's idea was this? Ummmmmmmmmok, I got something I think let's try that again.

9. Woo Woo NO!: We get another PPV without having to see Zack Ryder or having to be reminded internet fans of pro wrestling exist. That alone made 'Mania worth the price of admission.

8.World's Widest Man:   I love me some Mark Henry, and not just for the obvious reasons.


But he legitimately comes across as just ungodly strong, and despite all odds seems to make a connection with the crowd as either face or heel. Hell, he got cheered for tappin' Mae Young..let that sink in.

7. No, really think about that: Go ahead, his character has shockingly nonlethal sex w/ an 80 year old woman, and people love the shit out of him for it.  I don't know what that says about wrestling fans...I'm just a guy sitting in a cave stealing Internet from a 7-11


Yes, that's how all of you sound in my head.  I clearly don't like you.  Hating the Rock is like hating a guest star on a tv series, it makes no goddamn sense.  Him being there gets the product more attention, good on them, hell if he weren't around what was Cena gonna do? I'll tell you what, he'd have had a 5 minute match w/ Ziggler, or Sandow, or...fucking Akeem the African Dream, then gone home and fucked whichever Bella clone he's with on a pile of money.  Only difference about tonight is he beat up on a big brown dude who's provided a lot of really great moments for us all.

So shove it up your collective asses.

5-4 Fuck you it's late and I have a job ya slackers:  Zeb Colter has become the best thing going in WWE, the man does nothing physically, but can throw a promo together like you wouldn't believe.  I say give Brock Lesnar to him, play up an Aryan supremacy angle, and ride off into the sunset on the hate pony that would be birthed from it.

3. Team Hell Naw: Since WWE has seemingly run out of tag teams, let's let Harlem Heat have a WWE run for abit.  It's short term, but by God, I want some WCW love once in awhile, Stevie looked in decent enough shape, we know Booker is....... What's that? You say its only a bandaid....? well guess what? A bandaid's better than rubbin' shit in a cut.

2.  Again, Brock Lesnar, nazi gimmick: Why hasn't this happened?

1. Ice, Ice Baby: Look, I dunno what they think they're doing, but this was the perfect opportunity to debut Glacier in WWE, either attack Cena after his win, or attack Taker and Punk after their match.....I'm just losing faith WWE knows what to do with Glacier at all.

Some day, my love...some day

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